Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize