Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
farters have to be the big spoon...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
