The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
