i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
