no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
