I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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