Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
