im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
