a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
