how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
