I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
