I'm jealous of your bromance
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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