So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
