My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
