hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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