I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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