I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
