Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
