mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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