so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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