In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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