I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
