I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
