Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize