It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
me + whiskey = a bad person
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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