The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
