I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
