He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
