3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
