You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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