Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
