well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
