I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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