I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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