I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
