I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
