sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
