my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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