woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My pussy is not your playground.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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