Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
