dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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