summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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