I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize