Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
