I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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