Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
