Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
