did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
