the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
