You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
