If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
