Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
