my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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