im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
