bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The Olympian is in my bed
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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