My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
