Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
