So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
