I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
