He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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