Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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