I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
