pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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