and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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