I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
