matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
