C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
