Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
someone threw a dead crab at me
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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