I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
