Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
